im 18 , ugh ... what to tell you ?. I wish I could say how amazing things have been since I stopped writting but unfortunately Im not a lier. I never got that job I told you all about, my "amazing boyfriend" turned into the worst experience of my life, my school closed, still dont exactly know how to handle the fact that my dad is gone but all ,in all its been a pretty good year -- yea right .
things have been hard, starting my senior year somewhere else, starting college classes at night , dealing with all this family drama (i.e my sister still hates me, & her impending nuptials have EXPONETIALY worsed the tension) , I've done it already. Ive sunken into the shitty adult world. Reality .. is an enemy. Its been what? 4 days since i've turned 18 & im already burdened. Ah well this is nothing new , I'll be melo-dramtic and call it my plight. I honestly have no clue what to do anymore I just wake up and let my feet take me to wherever I have to go and just remember to keep breathing. I dont think I'm ever fully present & I dont know when I will be again ...but I hope its sometime soon cause this whole emo-kid thing has become way to habitual for my personality ; although some may disagree calling me selfish, pessimistic..depressed & the list goes on. I know my tone is ever so sarcastic and my diction causse you to picture this angsty girl sitting at her computer listening to sad music with loads of black eyeliner on and although that might definitley be the case, this isnt me. This is who i've let myself become.
Which is probably why I havent written in a long time. My words are my reflection and when I dont like what I see ill stop looking. I still dont like the view from here but I figure the only way to change it is to write it.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
18.. &; so on
Im on the precipice of adulthood &; yet ill still be classified as a TEEN henceforth being able to keep my blog title for atleast two more years ( YAY ) . Truth is i feel as though i lost my childhood. It left me so fast I cant believe Im almost grown &; then ill sync into the normality of the whole adult cycle. Sleep, Work , Sleep, Cook, Work etc. maybe not all in the order but none the less beautiful normality.........EW . Im sorry if unwilling to be in that whole category but Im abnormal always have been &; Im pretty damn proud of that fact . I like wearing clothes that dont match and, shoes that never fit &; i buy clothes at walmart and forman mills cause im BROKE &; I love it . Im me and i know time may change things but I hope I don't change.
I spent last night laying on a trampoline next to my Boyfriend looking into the sky wondering where my father is and listening to forever young and to me I think ill remember that moment in time forever, cause I do want to be that way atleast at heart . who wants to loose themselves to a cold heart .. definitely not me you cant take things so seriously and live life so guarded. I know I have but im trying to change that .
I spent last night laying on a trampoline next to my Boyfriend looking into the sky wondering where my father is and listening to forever young and to me I think ill remember that moment in time forever, cause I do want to be that way atleast at heart . who wants to loose themselves to a cold heart .. definitely not me you cant take things so seriously and live life so guarded. I know I have but im trying to change that .
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Parachute
its been months...
as we all know im hopelessly depressed and screwed up. and when i last spoke to you all i had just got into this relationship with bus guy ; its been three months now.
his name is Anthony and he's my bestfriend in this whole world. He's laughed with me in the good times and held my hand in the bad. He's the most amazing person i've met .
School ; my school is still closing at the end of my junior year "p , but for next year ive decided on goin to ryan ; which should be fun seeing as how anthony's amazingly great (sarcasm) ex-girlfriend goes there YAY! ; on the upside my bestfriend Mark is goin there so itll be AMAZING!
Job ; i just got a call for and interview @ 4 on thursday im pretty PSYCHED! lol i need money !
life; I suppose im learning to better cope with my depression , In march my Daddy passed away and I know i havent always spoken highly of him but we were finally pieceing our relationship back together i was even gonna spend the summer with him in texas . But hes moved on and im not happy and i wasnt prepared and ive lost my faith but im trying to be okay i know he wouldn't want me to be sad . Also my family is kinda breaking apart my sister has pretty much removed me from her life ... and idk what i did or how to fix it. I miss her i hope she knows that .
as the tide turns im writing more praying less trying harder and hoping for the best. planning a future with what i can saving my money for an apartment next summer . doing what i can to be happy again.
as we all know im hopelessly depressed and screwed up. and when i last spoke to you all i had just got into this relationship with bus guy ; its been three months now.
his name is Anthony and he's my bestfriend in this whole world. He's laughed with me in the good times and held my hand in the bad. He's the most amazing person i've met .
School ; my school is still closing at the end of my junior year "p , but for next year ive decided on goin to ryan ; which should be fun seeing as how anthony's amazingly great (sarcasm) ex-girlfriend goes there YAY! ; on the upside my bestfriend Mark is goin there so itll be AMAZING!
Job ; i just got a call for and interview @ 4 on thursday im pretty PSYCHED! lol i need money !
life; I suppose im learning to better cope with my depression , In march my Daddy passed away and I know i havent always spoken highly of him but we were finally pieceing our relationship back together i was even gonna spend the summer with him in texas . But hes moved on and im not happy and i wasnt prepared and ive lost my faith but im trying to be okay i know he wouldn't want me to be sad . Also my family is kinda breaking apart my sister has pretty much removed me from her life ... and idk what i did or how to fix it. I miss her i hope she knows that .
as the tide turns im writing more praying less trying harder and hoping for the best. planning a future with what i can saving my money for an apartment next summer . doing what i can to be happy again.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Feels Like Today
You ever believe deep in your heart that you were made to be with someone? That's how I felt about Dennis. He was it and I was gonna spend my whole life with him. But things don't always turn out the way you expect them to. We broke up a while back and It was the worst thing I ever went through and am still goin through but it was bad i couldn;t focus or live me life because verything was consumed with thoughts of him everything was to hard and to sad and life just wasnt right. My life wasnt right without him in it. I was depressed and it nearly killed me. I honestly in no over dramatic way thought i was goin to die without him. And I almost did the person I was almost disappeared but with writing and music and amazing friends and family the days dont seem as empty anymore and my heart is beating again. And for the first time in a long time Today feels like a good day.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Sabotage
Or however you spell it.
Valentine's day in my experience has always completely and totally sucked! To which i explained in detail said valentines day experiences with my Boyfriend. To which he goes, " I promise this Valentine's day wil be the best most amazing one for you." To which i say in my never endung always fashionable sarcastic tone, " I hope so." Excuse me for being so damn morose but seriously people valentine's are always and EPIC FAIL for me. Either way I have this thing, right; where ive been in so many crappy relationships that when things are actually okay in one im just waiting for it to get bad again or I sabotage it myself. I don't want to be the girl anymore and im trying really hard to break out of that mold. Back to Valentine's, it was the most amazing best day and we spent it with my family lol, we played card games and watched movies and cuddled, and we all sat down together for dinner and talked like it was our normal thing you know. And this is gonna sound cheesy but it was beautiful.
This is where it gets bad so he wants to show my mom something relevant to their conversation or other and he asks me to use my phone so he can get on myspace so i let him blah blah laugh laugh. Fast Forward to after he leaves. I go to sign onto my myspace and his is still up so what do i do but turn into a stalker chick and check his messages ( DONT JUDGE ME! ) and they were all from girls loads of girls asking to chill asking for their number all of that. And it gave me a flash back to Dennis seeing the same messages having the same feelings. So I confronted him and he said some stupid excuse the thing that got me was he cried, I mean bad. Cause I stopped picking up and he kept sending me texts and calling and leaving me voice mails and he was sobbing. ! Idk my heart just turned to mush and icant help but believe he wont ever hurt me so I believed what he told me anyone can make one mistake and its forgivable under the right circumstances, i know one time is too many but He was my bestfriend before we got together and I have this trust and these feelings for him. I might let this one slide but the next one ....wont.
Valentine's day in my experience has always completely and totally sucked! To which i explained in detail said valentines day experiences with my Boyfriend. To which he goes, " I promise this Valentine's day wil be the best most amazing one for you." To which i say in my never endung always fashionable sarcastic tone, " I hope so." Excuse me for being so damn morose but seriously people valentine's are always and EPIC FAIL for me. Either way I have this thing, right; where ive been in so many crappy relationships that when things are actually okay in one im just waiting for it to get bad again or I sabotage it myself. I don't want to be the girl anymore and im trying really hard to break out of that mold. Back to Valentine's, it was the most amazing best day and we spent it with my family lol, we played card games and watched movies and cuddled, and we all sat down together for dinner and talked like it was our normal thing you know. And this is gonna sound cheesy but it was beautiful.
This is where it gets bad so he wants to show my mom something relevant to their conversation or other and he asks me to use my phone so he can get on myspace so i let him blah blah laugh laugh. Fast Forward to after he leaves. I go to sign onto my myspace and his is still up so what do i do but turn into a stalker chick and check his messages ( DONT JUDGE ME! ) and they were all from girls loads of girls asking to chill asking for their number all of that. And it gave me a flash back to Dennis seeing the same messages having the same feelings. So I confronted him and he said some stupid excuse the thing that got me was he cried, I mean bad. Cause I stopped picking up and he kept sending me texts and calling and leaving me voice mails and he was sobbing. ! Idk my heart just turned to mush and icant help but believe he wont ever hurt me so I believed what he told me anyone can make one mistake and its forgivable under the right circumstances, i know one time is too many but He was my bestfriend before we got together and I have this trust and these feelings for him. I might let this one slide but the next one ....wont.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Shirley Temple anyone?
Title because well im procrastinating ALOT! im working on this six page biographical paper on Shirley Temples life and i never thought i'd get tired of her !
Either way family it's been forever since ive bared my soul anywhere! You see for Christmas my mom bought me this little hard back black empty book to fill my life story in the pages i.e it kinda cause me to stop blogging. That and the death of my laptop may she rest in piece.
Kay lets update you all. After two months of depression, tears, memories, ripped pictures, ungiven presents, and love notes, I'm over my break up with Not So Charming. YAY ME! And to top it all off I finally got my man thats right readers Bus Guy is soo my boyfriend ") ! & he and I couldnt be happier im telling you its amazing we goof off and i run away from him and he always catches me, we take moonlit walks, and we kiss in the rain while listening to secondhand serenade on his ipod. Needless to say its AMAZING!!! lol I've fallen really hard for him.
Ugh Im Happy , Thank God .
Write you soon ! ,
D.
Either way family it's been forever since ive bared my soul anywhere! You see for Christmas my mom bought me this little hard back black empty book to fill my life story in the pages i.e it kinda cause me to stop blogging. That and the death of my laptop may she rest in piece.
Kay lets update you all. After two months of depression, tears, memories, ripped pictures, ungiven presents, and love notes, I'm over my break up with Not So Charming. YAY ME! And to top it all off I finally got my man thats right readers Bus Guy is soo my boyfriend ") ! & he and I couldnt be happier im telling you its amazing we goof off and i run away from him and he always catches me, we take moonlit walks, and we kiss in the rain while listening to secondhand serenade on his ipod. Needless to say its AMAZING!!! lol I've fallen really hard for him.
Ugh Im Happy , Thank God .
Write you soon ! ,
D.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
